porn de replay

Random conversation:

Bak Kut Teh: Have you heard of Rocco Siffredi?

Me: Who? Rocco Stiff-Ready? hahahaha (gelak lawak sendiri)

Bak Kut Teh: Hahaha. You ah, so dirty-minded one. Siffredi la.

Me: (malu skit sebab x rapat sangat ngan die ni) Ehek. So, who's he? Never heard of him. Writer ke?

Bak Kut Teh: No lah, he's this famous porn star.

Done.

And I'm the dirty-minded one here. Btw, Bak Kut Teh is a pseudonym for a chinese friend of mine, I didn't go to Kedai Bak Kut Teh Ah Lian, bought a bowl of Bak Kut Teh and have an imaginary conversation with it.

Talking about funny names, here's a clip from Graham Norton. Sorry, it's an old episode and the quality is a bit off.

eh eh eh

Remember my entry on vibrators a while back? Well, apparently they're making (or already made la) a movie about it. Weird. Aku mmg patut dok Hollywood la camni. hoho. Hugh Dancy kot berlakon! Takleh jadik ni, kene tengok. Would you like a cup of tea? Sambil usap2 kucing. Sebab British.

wrong in all the right ways

Recently, The Slim One got offended by her friend who commented that her left eye is smaller than her right. She was so offended that she proceeded to look up that friend’s FB profile & browsed through her pictures, ‘zoomed’ them up and search for any of that girl’s physical imperfections. Yes, she got defensive & wanted to load up her verbal gun with enough ammo to massacre an entire Third World country the next time she sees her friend. An eye for an eye, I guess (pun intended). You see, my sister doesn’t have a lot of experience in dealing with people like that, but I have had one of those friends since secondary school. There was this one particular girl who used to make weird comments to me such as:

“Eh, hidung kau tak mancung ek. Aku ade darah Pakistan skit, tu hidung aku ok.”

“Eh the corners of your lips cam jatuh kalau kau tak senyum.”

“Kau putih tapi banyak bulu ek.”

“Kalau ko tinggi elokla pakai baju ni…”

You catch my drift. Funny thing is, I wasn’t even insulted by these comments. But I think it’s because I’m ignorant of the implied meaning behind them at the time. Also, I wasn’t a vain person back then so I didn’t really care. Felt weird though (I mean, what’s her purpose in saying those things? What is supposed to be my response? “Erm, ok. Thanks?”). But since then, I’ve met a lot of people like her and my awareness has kicked in. I’m telling you, I have never been conscious of how “putih”, how short, how hairy, how gap-toothed, how big-assed, how pimply and how fat I am until somebody else mentioned it to me.

Because of all these venomous observations (intentionally or not) of me made by these people, I’d like to think that I’m above judging people for their physical appearance, but I realized recently that I have become maybe a little bit critical of my own appearance as well as others. Yes, I have become one of “those people” and my inner vain, bitchy monster has been unleashed. I guess it’s my defense mechanism after years of verbal abuse, but still. I should be able to resist from stooping that low. 

I remember reading something about this in the June issue of Cleo (I think), that this phenomenon is called “body snarking”. We do it all the time, whenever we see pictures of celebrities, saying “That dress on her is hideous.” “OMG she’s getting fat!” “Her head is bigger than her body.” “She has a huge ass.” I’m ashamed to admit it, but I have made comments like this (most of the time in my head). It’s not surprising, since the article also mentioned that body snarking is often done by women against women. Why the HELL do we do this? Where’s the girl power yo? My sister’s explanation is simple: “They’re jealous”. This might be true, but I think there’s a deeper issue at hand. Maybe we’ve become so critical of ourselves, that we don’t think it’s a big deal to become critical of others. But believe me, it is a big deal. We women have low self-esteem enough as it is, let's not add fuel to the fire and be the cause to unwarranted plastic surgeries as well as anorexia and bulimia among ourselves. 

From now on, let’s just embrace all our imperfections and other people’s as well. After all, what fun would it be if everyone looks the same? It’s like looking at a catalogue of designer clothes or watching a runway show: I can’t tell the difference from one model to another. So stop analyzing every single blemish, eye-bags or cellulite. Seriously, just stop. You can do it. Or if you can’t, please keep the comments to yourself. Thank you.

Courtesy of Budak Jepun: Although this is peppered with sarcasm, Imma use it as a positive message here. Hohoho - gelak santa claus skit. They were delicious!

p/s: My gap is opening again. Yeayyyyy! Menyesal tutup. Damn those young giggly dentists and their half-priced discounts!

...and no one around could tell us apart...

I have found my kindred spirits! Bak kata budak pompuan yg sgt drama queen from Anne of Green Gables. hahaha. It's weird how people feel connected to those who share the same birthdays as them, or even the same star signs. I'm not really big on horoscopes or personality types & all that shit but I do feel excited when I read about people who share the same birthday as mine for some reason. Here are some of them:

Nelson Mandela

Vin Diesel

Chace Crawford

Kristen Bell

Benedict Cumberbatch (who plays Sherlock Holmes in the BBC series & creepy rapist in Atonement. LOVE him!

Plus: Clifford Odets (American playwright), Priyanka Chopra (Bollywood actress & former Miss World) & Steve Forbes (Forbes magazine - duh!). Pretty diverse bunch, eh? Yeayyyyy Veronica Mars! hihihi. Nasib baik ada gak pompuan. Selama ni trauma banyak lelaki je sama ngan aku. Apakah maksudnye? Happy Birthday, fellow July 18 Cancerians!

Crazy Like Charlie Sheen

Last week, a friend of mine gave me a short story to read. The title is Hysteria, written by Eva Gale. I have no idea who the writer is, so I don’t have a clue of what it’s about. Of course, the title being Hysteria, I immediately assume it’s going to be about a crazy girl screaming that she’s seen her dead grandmother (or the frozen face of Joan Rivers floating ala Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland) sulking around the house. Imagine my surprise when I found that it’s about a girl who goes to a doctor to get her monthly ‘treatment’ for ‘hysteria’. The treatment in question basically involves the attending doctor to stimulate orgasm in the patient. Using their hands. Done. Hahaha. At first I was like, “Hoi kawan aku ni bagi erotica short story ke kat aku? Ingat aku pervert ke?” (Defensive org lain tau aku pervert). But then towards the end it is mentioned that back in the 19^th century orgasm was thought as the actual cure for hysteria among women. 

Yes, only women get hysterical apparently (sexist bastards). Somehow I suspect this was a ploy by the male doctors – they get to grope and touch women’s private parts and get paid. Genius. Disgusting, but genius. But alas, they had the scientific evidence that was not only sufficient enough to back their claim, but also accepted by the society (Gee…I wonder why?). I guess orgasm does calm people down because it essentially satisfies their sexual needs/urges/frustrations. But must it be done that way? Also, did the women really have hysteria? Ntah2 saja. Hoho. 

Scary

I looked it up on the internet and they actually have the advertisements for vibrators back then. How weird is that? I always thought vibrators were invented in 1960s or something. So yeah, I kid you not. Women back then (not in Malaysia la) actually let male doctors touch.them.down.there. They also bought vibrators like they’re toothbrushes, a common routine. I doubt most women who bought them even had hysteria.

This topic makes a great study for feminism in the 19^th century, no?

Even scarier

Did I blow your mind?

you pick a colour and i sing it for you

 

If you're already cynical about love, don't watch this movie. I was depressed for days. Don't get me wrong, it's an excellent movie but I don't think I can handle the emotion. I know people always wonder how I can love horror movies with all the violence and disturbing visual images, but to me a movie like Blue Valentine scares me more. To me, this movie belongs in the horror genre. It's like one of my greatest fears being realized. How do you go from loving someone so much to feeling disgusted and disappointed by them? It's painful to watch. Heartbreaking.

Some of you guys already know that I can be emotionally retarded sometimes. I can be open about everything else because to me the things I actually talk about don't matter that much. But when it comes to feelings and showing affection, I suck. I don't even cry that much. Funnily enough, I do sometimes cry during a movie, but almost never in front of other people. Usually I just get pissed off when I'm sad (salah emoticon ni.....hoho). In that way, I'm similar to Cindy (Michelle Williams). I kinda hate her; so basically I hate that part of me. But hey, people don't react the same way when they're dealing with emotional issues. The more I'm pushed to the brink, the stronger my silence and resentment. That's why whenever I had a fight with my sister, she'd be the one to reach out to me afterwards, usually within 1 hour. Yup, my silent treatment can be extremely uncomfortable to others (Faux Frenchie: Guiltyyyyyyyyyyy!), but I don't do it on purpose, it's just the way I am. I wanna be more like Dean (Ryan Gosling), openly and bravely confronting his emotion (and Cindy's), but I don't know if I can.

Please don't watch this movie if you're a hopeless romantic. I don't want to be responsible for ruining your day. Or life. Yeah, the movie is THAT good. Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams are officially my favourite  on-screen couple right now. And I don't even like Michelle Williams.

p/s: the scene where he's singing and she's dancing - EPIC.

Somewhere Only We Know #1

Since my chat with the sleepless Coy Mistress, I feel the need to quench my thirst for traveling by posting about places I wanna visit someday (hopefully in the near future). This will also serve as a motivation for me and maybe all of y'all. So, I'll be posting these places sporadically. But first - oh Vicky, Cristina, Barcelona! Barcelona has always been one of the places I've wanted to visit. Why? Feast your eyes upon these pretty pictures my friends, and I dare you not to fall in love.

The exterior (or if you want to sound like a douchebag - the facade) of Casa Mila

And here are some of the awesome chimneys of Casa Mila (which I think are waaaay cooler than the exterior itself):

Don't you just love how stoic they look? Like corpses. Okay, just me then.

                                                  This one is Casa Batllo

Its chimney (or plural - I have no clue whatsoever)

This is Park Guell, and some of the amazing designs that can be found inside the park.

And last but not least, the Sagrada Familia (sambil posing ala Godfather) - it's a church, albeit an unfinished one. The architect, Gaudi (semua dia nak buat), died before its completion, hence the unfinished part. But I heard they're going to complete it in the future (after leaving it like that for decades already, I think it should be left alone)

Before I bid you adieu, I shall leave you with this fantastic view of Barcelona at sunset. Breathtaking, y'all. Mi corazon! por que?- bantai pi la perkataan2 Spanish. Get in the spirit!

Heard it Through The Grapevine

The last time I went to the movies with The Slim One, I encountered one of my pet peeves in the form of a  woman. We were queuing for our usual popcorn combo when I overheard a 'conversation' taking place between the two people in front of us.

Man: Hari ni panas la. Awak rasa panas tak?

Woman: Sangat!

After 5 seconds.......

Man: Eh lambatnye line ni gerak. Bukannye ramai org pon. Lambat kan?

Woman: Sangat!

WOW. Such witty banter. And I don't think I need to tell you that this continued on and on and on. Thing is, I don't mind if it's a school girl saying that, but a grown woman? Really? And she said it while stressing both syllables, with a slightly higher pitch on the 2nd one. Sa-NGAT! If only everything can be answered that way.

What do you think of the situation in Egypt right now? Isn’t it horrible?

Sa-NGAT!

But the truth is, I am guilty of some inane responses as well. (e.g.: Tula pasal. Kan! Serius ke...Boley tak!) Now that I know how annoying that can be, I think I'm gonna use less of these fillers in any future conversation. Because they are frikkin' irritating, especially if you have to hear them every 5 seconds. On second thought, maybe that woman wasn't intentionally responding that way. Maybe she was just bored or can't think of a better response (that's why I usually do it). But do I still want to shake her like a British nanny? Sa-NGAT!

I Got It From My Mama

Lately, Mamasan and I have been reconnecting. This happens probably because we've been spending time watching TV together. A lot. Ah, TV - the great unifier. We used to be really close when I was in primary school, but secondary school proved to be too much of a barrier, and university was a time for expanding your horizons outside of home. Dunno why, but it just happened. One day she's my sun and I'm her baby (insert a Justin Bieber-ey sound), the next she's The Authority and I'm a Bum. Or at least a hobo-like creature who spent all her time locked up in her bedroom. But now that Mamasan and I are chillin' together, I discovered a lot of new things about her. I also started to realize how similar we are, which kinda freaks me out. I mean, does the phrase "you're turning into your mother" comes to mind? Anyway, here are a few moments where I thought that Hey, I've got a pretty cool mom.


Example 1

My mom just coming into the living room.

Me: Ma, ni boyfren mama berlakon ni, tak nak tengok ke? (it's Harrison Ford in all his Indiana Jones glory)

Mamasan: Mmmph. Dah break lama dah. Tua dah die. Toksahla ungkit2 lagi pasal tu. - sambil gelak sensorg dan berlalu pergi.

HAHAHA. Giler perasan mak aku. err........wait. Kenape cam familiar je. Oh yeah.

Example 2

Justin Bieber's close-up face during commercial.

Mamasan: Tu APE tu??!!??!?

Done. Mmg insult paling hebatla.

Example 3

Toothpaste commercial on tv.

Mamasan: Dulu Darlie ni nama die Darkie.

Me: Hmmm? Darkie?

Mamasan: A'ah. Pastu laki tu pon negro.

Me: (flabbergasted) Biar betol! Giler racist!

Patutla depa tukaq nama ngan imej brand tu. Giler ke ape. So I googled this and found out that it's true. They did use both the name Darkie and the image of a black man wearing a top hat previously, because of the misconception that black people have extremely white teeth (eh tak yeh? hoho), but they changed it in 1985 coz of the whole awareness/sensitivity thing. And they say you can't learn anything from watching tv with your mom. sheesh.

Example 4

A documentary on slavery. Or sumthin'.

Me: Tengok mat saleh, sume bende diorg discuss openly. Mmgla diorg banyak agenda tapi at least pasal slavery sume tu diorg tak sorok. Kita kat sekolah buku sejarah mane ade cerite banyak pasal 13 Mei. Cume cakap bende tu sejarah hitamla, terukla pergaduhan antara kaum2 kt KL mase tu. Spesifik la skit(cakap cam pakcik2 kat kedai kopi).

Mamasan: Hmmm. Mama ingat dulu mase tu, mama kat rumah sewa dgn housemates mama, kitorg tutup sume pintu, tingkap. Tak berani nak keluar. Adela sorg kwn kpd housemate mama ni dok tumpang jugak. Sekali tiba2 kitorg dgr bunyi riuh rendah kat luar. Dgr org jeritla, pistol tembak2 la. Sume kelam kabut mase tu. Tengok2 baru perasan kwn housemate mama tu kene tembak. Mati depan kitorg.

Me: (terdiam 2 saat) Kenape mama tak penah citer pasal ni?

Mamasan: Awak tak tanye.

Isn't that the coolest thing ever? Well, not cool that someone got shot and died. But the fact that she had experienced that. No wonder she never complains about anything (well, except for us being spoiled children, and our generation consisting of a bunch of whimps). I do think that our society has become too complacent right now. We don't have any extreme crisis that may affect us profoundly like previous generations. Not that I'm hoping for World War III, but there must be a reason why the only thing we complain about is either our jobs (or lack thereof), or our love life (or lack thereof). Seriously? Is that ALL there is in this world? We don't deserve to sing Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror or The Earth Song. Next time the MVs for those songs come up on TV, just hide your face in shame.

But right now, I might have to re-watch The Breakfast Club over and over again just to cure the extreme respect and affection that I have for my mom.